awkward etiquette question

[oulfis]

okay, so, if I write someone a letter, and I'd kind of like them to write back -- is it totally gauche to include a self-addressed and stamped envelope?? Maybe with a card or sheet of stationery paper in it??

I think it might be nice to include such a thing because I'm sure most people don't already have envelopes/stationery/stamps etc on hand, and it might make writing back more fun (and more possible) if all they have to do is literally write a message and then send it.

But it also seems possibly rude because it's a lot more demanding?? Usually I send letters/cards not really expecting a reply at all, or at least not a reply in letter form (I understand that letters are very anachronistic, so most people reply to a letter by... texting me.) A self-addressed and stamped envelope seems like I'm burdening my friend with the expectation of a reply, and if they don't write back soonish, what if it sits on their desk mocking them for months?? I would be totally fine not hearing back, or hearing back months and months later, so I don't want to make it seem otherwise.

Basically -- would such a thing reduce stress, or add stress??

Comments

[oulfis]

That sarcasm comes off a bit strong, but your point is well-taken; I asked in the first place because I was having trouble figuring out how someone who doesn't maintain penpals would likely react, and it seems clear that for this particular friend I should refrain from including more than perhaps some stamps.

[indywind]

I apologize for the overly-strong sarcasm. It was not kind or necessary, and I am sorry.

[oulfis]

I appreciate that -- I think I reacted badly mostly because I don't think we know each other too well, but I am glad to have gotten a broader perspective, especially from people I don't already know well enough to predict! And interacting is how people get to know each other.... So I hope you'll weigh in next time too. As the kids might say, "we cool."

[indywind]

It would probably have been more useful, and less pissy, to say that though I don't maintain penpals, I would be delighted to receive a paper letter from someone I enjoyed interacting with otherwise, and the greater part of my enjoyment would come from the feeling of trust and intimacy or vulnerability I associate with putting one's thoughts down on paper and then giving them up like a gift; and from looking forward to reciprocating those efforts in the spirit of intimacy and generosity.

So I'd be quite dismayed and disillusioned to be faced with evidence that my correspondent saw our interaction in a much different light, and didn't trust or feel close enough to just tell me what they hoped for (a hardcopy response if I could) and ask me if if there was anything they could do to make that easier or more pleasant. And then, feeling like there were things unspoken between us, I'd worry about what else we couldn't address directly but I might be expected to read between the lines about; whether they'd be offended or disappointed if I didn't use their supplies, or whether mine were too nice or not nice enough compared to theirs and they'd feel I was one-upping or being careless/rude by using e.g. perforated-edge notebook paper and a business envelope instead of proper stationery, and if my response would be too long or not long enough, too personal or too formulaic polite, too immediate or too long delayed so why even bother, and and I'd end up more anxious and avoidant than I'd've been over the mere logistical difficulty of finding an envelope and stamp if I hadn't had any.



In conclusion, I think if you don't know what a particular person would prefer, you should ask That Person, directly; any other source of information is inferior, because there are so many different ways of taking a gesture, and intent =/= outcome.
Unless you have reason to believe they would find being asked more uncomfortable than a wrong guess.
Some people might find being asked, even if you can't accommodate their preference, more rewarding than even the most "did you read my mind?" accurate guess. (I am generally one of those.)
And this is probably waaaay more interaction than expected or wanted from a random internet acquaintance; if it's too much, I apologize for that and am receptive to being advised to chill, already.