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Aug. 11th, 2010 07:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oulfisI got distracted from my goal of blogging because I came out to yet another friend so I directed all my trans-chatter his way for a while.
I'm now out to E., A., Ma., Mi., and C. I think that's all. It felt like a huge number of people before I had to type up their names. Now it feels so small. Especially since all of them are still mostly using my girl-name. Except A.-- all her emails to me start with "Hey dude!" which is unbearably nice. She did it half the time before anyway, it's kind of her thing, but it feels more meaningful now.
I'm a little conflicted about coming out, actually. I just took a nice little 5-day train tour around the U.K. and while I travelled I found myself feeling really frustrated by how people gendered me but not in the way I expected. It wasn't so much that I wanted everyone to read me as male as it was that I wanted to be in control of how they read me. I was frustrated by the fact that I couldn't prevent them from reading me as female.
Part of this I think stems from thinking about my family. I wish I could get read as male by other people without losing my ability to pass as conventionally female at home-- not even particularly butch because they don't approve of that either.
I wish I could move back and forth. Not just so I could move once, from female to male, and then fake it as female at home-- I feel like maybe I would switch often. I can't tell. This is sounding more genderqueer than trans. Should I choose Logan over Lawrence even though Logan is awful with my last name?
Except I don't think I would ever really want my breasts, so I don't know. Sometimes I mind them less but they never stop bothering me deep down.
Who knows! If I don't, probably nobody does! Oh well.
I'm now out to E., A., Ma., Mi., and C. I think that's all. It felt like a huge number of people before I had to type up their names. Now it feels so small. Especially since all of them are still mostly using my girl-name. Except A.-- all her emails to me start with "Hey dude!" which is unbearably nice. She did it half the time before anyway, it's kind of her thing, but it feels more meaningful now.
I'm a little conflicted about coming out, actually. I just took a nice little 5-day train tour around the U.K. and while I travelled I found myself feeling really frustrated by how people gendered me but not in the way I expected. It wasn't so much that I wanted everyone to read me as male as it was that I wanted to be in control of how they read me. I was frustrated by the fact that I couldn't prevent them from reading me as female.
Part of this I think stems from thinking about my family. I wish I could get read as male by other people without losing my ability to pass as conventionally female at home-- not even particularly butch because they don't approve of that either.
I wish I could move back and forth. Not just so I could move once, from female to male, and then fake it as female at home-- I feel like maybe I would switch often. I can't tell. This is sounding more genderqueer than trans. Should I choose Logan over Lawrence even though Logan is awful with my last name?
Except I don't think I would ever really want my breasts, so I don't know. Sometimes I mind them less but they never stop bothering me deep down.
Who knows! If I don't, probably nobody does! Oh well.
