Thinking about the performance of identity

[oulfis]

I’ve been wanting, for a while, to “look more queer,” and the more I contemplate this as a direct goal, the more annoyed/fascinated I become at the disconnect between the signal I’m trying to send (“gay femme here!!”) and the actual actions I have to spend my time on in order to SEND that signal. Every time I see someone and love the way they look, I think to myself, "I wanna look like that! But without having to take any of the actions which lead someone to have that appearance."

By that I mean— if I want an eclectic and fabulous wardrobe with lots of accessories, I have to spend a lot of time SHOPPING. But I don’t particularly like shopping! It’s not a love of shopping that makes me gay! Or if I want a hip, queer haircut (rather than looking I belong in the movie for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire), I need to schedule regular haircuts. But making, and then showing up on time to, recurring boring appointments isn't gay! The things which would help me look queer actually have nothing to do with being queer. Taking clothes to a tailor isn't gay! Waking up early to have time to put on makeup isn't gay!

Maybe if I was already investing more time and errand-power in my appearance, it would be simpler, to just buy gayer things when I go shopping, ask for a gayer haircut when I go for my regular haircut, add a bit of sparkle when I do my morning skincare routine, etc. But as much as I like feeling cute, I just... think of myself as a low-maintenance person. I actually might be a shabby side character in a Dickens novel, I'm maybe-too-little-maintenance.[1] But right now I can go from unconscious to walking out the door in 10 minutes.[2] This pleases me! This should be reconcilable with people being able to detect that I am gay??

So far I've taken the strategy of, when I am no longer able to avoid purchasing new clothes, I make sure to pick something as queer-looking as possible, so that my low-maintenance no-thinking routine is at least drawing from a more fabulous base pool of options. Also I wear a trans flag on my lapel and a rainbow stud earring in one ear. This is working, slowly but surely, but even its effectiveness feels perverse somehow: I am no gayer than I was before, but I look gayer over time through semi-begrudging investment of effort in unrelated tasks.[3]

ALL OF WHICH IS TO SAY, I have been getting kinda into painting my nails, and I think I like it in part because the actual underlying work of producing the fabulous femme appearance actually suits who I am as a person. Once a week or so I can take an hour or two at 4am, with an audiobook on, to do something that feels like "crafting" (i.e., painting something fussy), all of which is already stuff I like to do. And then I have something very cute about my appearance to be proud of!! (See: my first complete manicure, left, of which I was VERY proud!!!) So I guess this is a problem I've "solved."

Nonetheless, it still feels odd, somehow, that "self-expression" clearly seems to require supporting labour that may or may nor be at all harmonious with a natural "self."

---

[1] At any point in time I only have one pair of shoes that don't have holes in the soles (my special shoes for when the ground is wet!). I routinely wear clothes that are missing buttons, because I never quite get around to sewing them back on. I would fix these things if I minded them! (I fix things in my apartment every day! I polish the bathroom fixtures several times a week so they are always shiny! I straighten all of my doilies before bed at night!) But I don't mind, particularly!

[2] I get food and coffee on the way -- if I place a mobile order while walking down my hallway before my phone is out of range of the apartment wifi, it will be ready for me exactly as I walk through the Starbucks on my corner, so I literally don't even have to break my stride.

[3] There's a comparison to be made to home decoration, actually, in the "restore a castle" vein -- beautifying slowly over time... that's the approach I've taken with my apartment, which has been accumulating bits of ribbon and lace and doilies to encuten its generic IKEA furniture. I still don't love shopping for home goods but they feel easier to acquire, and I definitely enjoy putting them around the house and looking after them.

Comments

[chestnut_pod]

"Nonetheless, it still feels odd, somehow, that 'self-expression' clearly seems to require supporting labour that may or may nor be at all harmonious with a natural 'self.'"

Oh, I hear you 100%. Thank you for sharing part of this here. It's always nice to feel less alone in one's own vaguely flaily explorations.

Also, your nails look awesome! I love the extra accent doodad on the pinky.

[oulfis]

Thank you! It’s part of the sticker from the stencil I used for the thumb (the negative space that got left behind on the sheet) but I thought it looked cool. Since a manicure doesn’t last that long to begin with I’ve been wondering about other stickers or small decorations... could I literally use lace??

I feel like by finding something I can treat as a skill to learn and an art project at the same time I’ve at least found an enjoyable method of flailing, but elaborate manicure + shabby Dickens character clothes is probably a weird look.

[chestnut_pod]

Lace would look so cool!

I absolutely embrace elaborate manicure + shabby Dickens character as an aesthetic.

[pangodillo]

I'm still asleep which is how I accidentally hit the post button before I was done writing, but yes this

[oulfis]

Hahaha, I kind of enjoyed the comment that just said “I’m still asleep.” Like it was a placeholder for a “like” button until you woke up.

[anarfea]

Ah, the struggle of wanting to send queer signals. In my case, I have a problem in that the things I feel like I could do to signal queerness, like having a queer haircut or not shaving my body hair, are things that annoy my partner. I'm glad you at least can do what you want.

Your nails look fabulous. Is that thumb freehand or is that a stencil?

[oulfis]

Definitely a stencil, haha!

I do think that these things don’t always make me look, like, sexy to a potential new partner I’d like to attract? In a “no fats no fems” environment, what I have is a great PERSONALITY. But it’s definitely easier to ignore the opinions of imaginary people rather than an actual specific important person in your life.

[anarfea]

Yeah, gay men can be such body policers. I'm sorry. But I hope you can find a way to express yourself.

[violsva]

It's interesting too how heavily gendered this is; since I'm usually read as female, my complete lack of attention to my appearance signals "queer as a three dollar bill" very well.

I love the manicure!

[oulfis]

That’s a really good point! Back in the day when I was a lesbian, all it took was not shaving my underarms, and pow, signal sent loud and clear.

It kind of feels like effort itself is what’s coded feminine, which.... checks out, yeah, vis-a-vis patriarchy.

[virtual_particle]

I understand the ambivalence about needing to spend time and energy maintaining a personal appearance that feels right for you. That part of daily life used to annoy me horribly. But later I stumbled into being read as queer without actually trying (much), and it was a huge relief when I realized I had done it. Other than the hair, the key accessories turned out to be well-chosen reading glasses and jackets/outer layers? Shopping for them was annoying, but I rely on them so much that they’ve been more than worth it, and they don’t take any extra time in the morning.

I find haircut appointments way less tedious now that I go to a stylist who is also out as queer, and who knows what I mean when I say, “Like last month, but gayer and with fewer fucks to give.”

*shrugs*

That manicure is neato 👍🏽

Oops, this got long, sorry!

[oulfis]

The glasses are a great call! I went with a friend to them to get new glasses that were more "nonbinary" and it was MAGICAL what a huge difference they made... and the place we went was fantastic, too; we literally just said "they want glasses that will make them look gay but also genderless" and they had great recs. Half my haircut problem is probably that I don't have a regular hairdresser and sometimes end up at really hetero places.

A gayer backpack might go a long way too, since I carry my bag literally everywhere. Thinking of one-time high-payoff investments is useful!

[virtual_particle]

Exactly. Glasses can change so much of a person’s look. Glad the person you know found a pair that works for them 😎

Oh, good call about the backpack. I hadn’t thought to mention that, but I carry a “men’s” bag, which I’ve been told doesn’t make me look more masc, it just increases my apparent queerness? I like it because it’s made of better material than the “women’s” version, for less money :P

[violsva]

If you're carrying a bag around with you all the time, there's also the very literal queer signalling of putting appropriate buttons on it. Depending on how professional one is expected to appear, obviously.

[oulfis]

oh, yes, I'd forgotten this aspect! I have been taking advantage of the popularity of cute enamel pins among queers -- I have a couple, which signal pretty effectively while also being pretty professional. I took them off for some reason; I should put them back on! Especially the unicorn!!

[saraht]

Driveby stranger saying your nails are very cute!

[oulfis]

haha, strangers no more! Thank you! :)

[felinejumper]

saw this weeks ago (like...one week, I guess? ok time) and wanted to HARD +1 all of it and say that this aspect:

But as much as I like feeling cute, I just... think of myself as a low-maintenance person.

is very much a part of my self-identity, I think. Because I like to think of myself as not needing things that are not, like, nutrition and shelter, and also because I value comfort above all else, and also probably because I early on got the (admittedly-false) memo that "cool girls are low effort" and was like "yes, I would like to not have to put any work or money into my appearance ever again, thank you for this out!"

The haircut is my #1 (and possibly only?) strong queer/gender-fuckery signal, but it only works because because my partner cuts it for me and I can ask him to "make there be less of it and in a weird way, but I don't care how" i.e. I still don't have to make decisions or spend money. I suspect if that was not the case I'd just have a self-inflicted perma-buzzcut. (Also, a secondary complaint: queercuts take so much work to maintain! Like, a sharp buzzline is a haircut every few weeks?! SO MUCH WORK. I gave up shaving for a reason!)

But it also makes sense that craftiness would be an effective tactic to navigate that, so yay! Especially when your nails end up looking that cute! I saw elsewhere you wondering about lace, and now I've looked it up, and it's so beautiful; best of luck with future body-craft!

[oulfis]

omg, yes, the 'cool girls are low effort' thing, which then kind of got directly substituted with 'cool feminists don't buy into beauty standards' for me later on (back when I was a girl) -- getting to feel smug about having leg and underarm hair was a great signalling-to-effort payoff, hahaha.

I actually did have a perma-buzzcut for a while -- one of my boyfriends would buzz it for me, which was a really great set-up. But then I moved 3,000 miles away and had to start paying people for haircuts. That too feels like part of the weird disconnect between what's visible to other people in my appearance, and the actual causes of my appearance: the buzzcut always made me feel kind of sexy, because he would usually buzz it before we got dressed again after sex (and then we'd shower to get rid of the stray hairs), but it probably wasn't a particularly sexy haircut to an outside viewer.