Thinking about the performance of identity

[oulfis]

I’ve been wanting, for a while, to “look more queer,” and the more I contemplate this as a direct goal, the more annoyed/fascinated I become at the disconnect between the signal I’m trying to send (“gay femme here!!”) and the actual actions I have to spend my time on in order to SEND that signal. Every time I see someone and love the way they look, I think to myself, "I wanna look like that! But without having to take any of the actions which lead someone to have that appearance."

By that I mean— if I want an eclectic and fabulous wardrobe with lots of accessories, I have to spend a lot of time SHOPPING. But I don’t particularly like shopping! It’s not a love of shopping that makes me gay! Or if I want a hip, queer haircut (rather than looking I belong in the movie for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire), I need to schedule regular haircuts. But making, and then showing up on time to, recurring boring appointments isn't gay! The things which would help me look queer actually have nothing to do with being queer. Taking clothes to a tailor isn't gay! Waking up early to have time to put on makeup isn't gay!

Maybe if I was already investing more time and errand-power in my appearance, it would be simpler, to just buy gayer things when I go shopping, ask for a gayer haircut when I go for my regular haircut, add a bit of sparkle when I do my morning skincare routine, etc. But as much as I like feeling cute, I just... think of myself as a low-maintenance person. I actually might be a shabby side character in a Dickens novel, I'm maybe-too-little-maintenance.[1] But right now I can go from unconscious to walking out the door in 10 minutes.[2] This pleases me! This should be reconcilable with people being able to detect that I am gay??

So far I've taken the strategy of, when I am no longer able to avoid purchasing new clothes, I make sure to pick something as queer-looking as possible, so that my low-maintenance no-thinking routine is at least drawing from a more fabulous base pool of options. Also I wear a trans flag on my lapel and a rainbow stud earring in one ear. This is working, slowly but surely, but even its effectiveness feels perverse somehow: I am no gayer than I was before, but I look gayer over time through semi-begrudging investment of effort in unrelated tasks.[3]

ALL OF WHICH IS TO SAY, I have been getting kinda into painting my nails, and I think I like it in part because the actual underlying work of producing the fabulous femme appearance actually suits who I am as a person. Once a week or so I can take an hour or two at 4am, with an audiobook on, to do something that feels like "crafting" (i.e., painting something fussy), all of which is already stuff I like to do. And then I have something very cute about my appearance to be proud of!! (See: my first complete manicure, left, of which I was VERY proud!!!) So I guess this is a problem I've "solved."

Nonetheless, it still feels odd, somehow, that "self-expression" clearly seems to require supporting labour that may or may nor be at all harmonious with a natural "self."

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[1] At any point in time I only have one pair of shoes that don't have holes in the soles (my special shoes for when the ground is wet!). I routinely wear clothes that are missing buttons, because I never quite get around to sewing them back on. I would fix these things if I minded them! (I fix things in my apartment every day! I polish the bathroom fixtures several times a week so they are always shiny! I straighten all of my doilies before bed at night!) But I don't mind, particularly!

[2] I get food and coffee on the way -- if I place a mobile order while walking down my hallway before my phone is out of range of the apartment wifi, it will be ready for me exactly as I walk through the Starbucks on my corner, so I literally don't even have to break my stride.

[3] There's a comparison to be made to home decoration, actually, in the "restore a castle" vein -- beautifying slowly over time... that's the approach I've taken with my apartment, which has been accumulating bits of ribbon and lace and doilies to encuten its generic IKEA furniture. I still don't love shopping for home goods but they feel easier to acquire, and I definitely enjoy putting them around the house and looking after them.

Comments

[oulfis]

haha, strangers no more! Thank you! :)